Loneliness

This is how I feel about loneliness:

It comes when a grandmother breaks her hip. When she feels like she can't do anything anymore, and must rely on others. Even though so many people come and go through the house, she is still alone, because she is unable to perform ALONE.

It comes when you move to China and you have adhd and anxiety and someone fights in a club and you don't know what else to do. It comes when you think you want to go home and have forgotten that you know you will regret it. It comes when the one person you care about more than anything can't help.

It comes when you go on a business trip away from home a week before your daughter leaves. When you're busy doing a job that maybe you don't love the way you used to. It comes when you realize that you are in Phoenix or Indianapolis or San Jose or Montgomery and the only place you want to be is home.

It comes when you have to care for your mother-in-law, even when you're exhausted because there is no one else who can. It comes when, at 9:30 p.m., you are driving home and falling asleep and drifting off the road because you can't keep your eyes open anymore. It comes in the form of mandarin chicken salads and baked potatoes from Wendy's.

It comes when you have to work at JCPenney when you don't want to. It comes when you know people need you somewhere else but your obligations and responsibility tie you to where you are.

It comes when you are packing to go to another country and you just need someone there. Someone just to be present. It comes when your grandmother broke her knee, your dad is on a business trip, your mom is caring for your grandma, one of your best friends is in China, and you sister is in Tampa.

I'm being selfish, but I don't care. I want my mom here. I don't necessarily need her to do anything for me, but I want her here.

I didn't think this was going to be so hard, but it is. Circumstances have made it so.